4 Ways to Handle Disrespectful Behavior

If your children roll their eyes and say, "Whatever, Mom!" when you tell them to start their homework or pretend they can't hear you when you tell them to turn off electronics, they are on the mild end of the disrespect spectrum. On the more serious end of the spectrum are behaviors such as name-calling, disregarding rules, and physical aggression.

No matter where your child falls on the spectrum, it's important to address disrespect before it gets worse. A 2015 study conducted by researchers at the University of Virginia found that disrespectful children are likely to become rude adults.

While you might be tempted to excuse disrespect by saying things like "Kids will be kids," brushing it off won't do your child any favors. Kids need to learn how to treat others with respect so they can develop healthy relationships with peers, authority figures, and family members. Effective consequences can help.

Ignore Attention-Seeking Behavior

It may seem like ignoring minor disrespect is the same as allowing your child to get away with it. But selective ignoring can be one of the most effective negative consequences.

Ignoring is about refusing to let your child's disrespect derail you from the task at hand. If you tell your child to clean their room and they roll their eyes, don't engage in a lengthy argument over the disrespectful behavior. Each minute you spend in a power struggle is 60 seconds they'll put off cleaning. Give a warning about what will happen if they don't get to work. 

If eye-rolling is a common problem, address the issue at a later time when both of you are calm. Say something like, "Earlier today when I told you to clean your room, you rolled your eyes. Are you aware that you do that when you're mad?" 

Talk about the potential consequences of disrespect. Ask, "Do you think that you roll your eyes when your friend says something you don't like?" Engage in a discussion about how other people feel when they witness rude behavior. Explain the natural consequences for disrespectful behavior such as, “Disrespectful children often have trouble making friends."

Use When/Then Statements

Instead of telling your children what they can't do, tell them how they can earn a privilege. "When/then" statements frame requests in a positive way. Use these statements to notify your child what will happen after they choose to change their behavior. Say, “When you wait your turn while I’m on the phone, then I can take the time to answer you.”

Rather than saying, "If you don't pick up right now, you won't be able to play outside," say, "You can play outside as soon as you are finished picking up your toys." Then, walk away and leave it up to your child to respond.

You also might try saying things like, “When you lower your voice and talk calmly, I’ll answer you,” or “I’ll play with you when you stop being bossy.” Teach your child that polite and kind behavior yields positive results.

This gives your child an opportunity to change their behavior. Just make sure you're fully prepared to follow through with a negative consequence. Avoid repeating your warnings over and over again. Otherwise, you'll be training your child not to listen.

Provide an Immediate Consequence

Most disrespectful behaviors should result in an immediate consequence. Take your child's age and the seriousness of the offense into consideration when determining the consequence.

A calm-down corner can be an effective consequence for young children. If a 6-year-old screams in your face when they are angry, for example, immediately explain to them why this behavior is inappropriate and provide them an opportunity to correct it.

if your teen walks out the door after you’ve told them they can’t leave, or your child calls you a name, set the boundary: "I will not let you disrespect me" or "I won't allow hurtful language in this home" or "I trust you will find a different way to deal with your frustration."

Use Restitution

If your child or teen behaves in a disrespectful manner, restitution may be necessary to discourage it from happening again. Restitution is about doing something kind for the victim or doing something to make reparations for the damage that has been done.

Teach your child that saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t always fix things. Restitution helps them take responsibility for disrespectful behavior while also working to repair the relationship.

A Word From Verywell

When you're addressing disrespectful behavior, it's normal for your child to take two steps forward and one step back. So while they may be polite and kind one day, they may struggle the next. Consistent discipline is the key to helping them make progress over the long term. Point out good behavior when you see it. And on bad days, consider disrespect a sign that they need more practice.

Most importantly, be a good role model. Whether you're frustrated with the service you receive at a restaurant or you're angry at the telemarketer who interrupted your dinner, treat others with respect and your child will follow suit.