Why Girls Use Social Exclusion

If you have a daughter, you may notice social exclusion going on among the girls in their school. You may also discover that, despite you teaching them otherwise, they continue to socially exclude others. Why do girls engage in this "Mean Girl" behavior?

Social Exclusion as Bullying

Social exclusion is one form of relational aggression, a subtle and indirect type of bullying that is often used by girls against other girls. Social exclusion is the act of rejecting someone from interpersonal interactions. The victim may be left out of invitations to parties, not allowed to eat lunch with a group of girls, or completely shunned.

Social exclusion can also happen when unpleasant rumors are spread about the victim, through cyberbullying and in real life. As the rumors circulate, the victim loses more and more friends until they are fully ostracized. The victim may have been friends with the girls who are now leaving them out of their interactions, or they may have been excluded from the start.

Is Social Exclusion Innate?

According to one research study, your daughter and her friends may be simply acting naturally when they socially exclude others. The research, published in Psychological Science, showed that when females were threatened with social exclusion, they tended to exclude someone else before they could be shut out. Males, on the other hand, did not tend to do this.

The research was conducted with college students, but since relational aggression peaks during the tween years, the findings would have likely been stronger if examined in tweens. Keep in mind that this was one study, and it could be a leap to say it proves that social exclusion is innate rather than cultural or learned.

Girls vs. Boys

Why do girls resort to social exclusion when threatened while boys do not? It probably has to do with the difference between male and female social scenes, the researchers say. Males tend to have groups of friends, while females tend to foster one-on-one friendships.

When a male is socially excluded, he still has plenty of other friends in his group to rely on. A girl, on the other hand, stands to lose her one great ally when she is socially excluded. Studies show that girls are indeed more jealous when their same-sex friends make new friends than boys are.

The Pain It Causes

Losing one close friend is not only painful, but it may also tap into evolutionary fears of being left unprotected and vulnerable. Rather than be excluded, girls lash out and exclude others preemptively. Given this cycle, it's no wonder that social exclusion is part and parcel of the female middle school social scene. Mean girls may be born, not made.

A Word From Verywell

Social exclusion can be devastating for girls. If your child shows signs of by excluded, learn what you can do that can help her cope. Continue to teach your child that exclusion is a form of bullying and is not socially acceptable. Also, teach them why it is so important to be the kind of teen who includes others—not excludes them.