Special Needs Caregiver Tips and Strategies 6 Signs Your Child Has a Victim Mentality By Amy Morin, LCSW facebook twitter instagram Amy Morin, LCSW, is the Editor-in-Chief of Verywell Mind. She's also a psychotherapist, international bestselling author and host of the Mentally Strong People podcast. Learn about our editorial process Amy Morin, LCSW Reviewed by Reviewed by Ann-Louise T. Lockhart, PsyD, ABPP on January 31, 2021 facebook linkedin instagram Ann-Louise T. Lockhart, PsyD, ABPP, is a board-certified pediatric psychologist, parent coach, author, speaker, and owner of A New Day Pediatric Psychology, PLLC. Learn about our Review Board Ann-Louise T. Lockhart, PsyD, ABPP on January 31, 2021 Print David Hollingworth / Moment / Getty Images Table of Contents View All Table of Contents Acting Helpless Hosting Pity Parties Focusing on the Negative Predicting Doom and Gloom Blaming Everyone Else Exaggerating Misfortune How to Help A victim mentality is an unhealthy, self-destructive attitude that can develop for a variety of reasons. A child who is bullied by peers may start to see themselves as completely helpless. A child with a sense of entitlement may insist they deserve better when they don’t get their way. A victim mentality isn’t an attractive quality and it won’t serve your child well in life. It’s important to be on the lookout for the signs that your child is developing a "poor me" attitude. Here are six warning signs that could indicate your child has a victim mentality. Acting Helpless A child who sees themselves as a victim will allow bad things to happen to them. They’ll assume there’s nothing they can do about the obstacles they encounter. They might believe their efforts to create change won’t be effective. The child may refuse to ask for help when they don't know how to do their homework or when they're confused about a teacher’s instructions. They may also remain passive when their peers treat them unkindly. This helpless attitude increases the chances that a child will become victimized by others. Why Overindulging Your Kids Can Be Harmful Hosting Pity Parties Self-pity and a victim mentality go hand-in-hand. While one child may say things like, “I never get to do anything fun,” another child may say, “No one likes me.” Rather than look for solutions to real problems, a child who feels like a victim may invest their energy into trying to gain sympathy. They may sulk, mope, and complain, rather than take steps to boost their mood or improve their situation. 3 Ways to Help a Child Who Complains About Everything Focusing on the Negative If nine good things happen, and one bad thing, a child with a victim mentality will focus on the negative. Even when something positive happens, they may dismiss his good fortune by saying something like, “Well that won’t ever happen again,” or “He was just being nice because you were there.” A victim mentality causes kids to overlook the good things in life. And the more they focus on the negative, the worse they feel. It's a vicious, self-perpetuating cycle. Predicting Doom and Gloom A child with a victim mentality is likely to make catastrophic predictions. They may say things like, “I’m going to fail that test tomorrow,” or “Everyone is going to laugh at me in the spelling bee.” Your child may be afraid to get their hopes up. Even when told that they're going to do something fun, they might predict that it’s not going to work out. Their negative thinking will create unnecessary stress and make it more difficult for them to do their best or enjoy their time. How Parents Can Deal With Teen Drama Blaming Everyone Else A child with a "poor me" attitude blames everyone else for their unfortunate circumstances. They’ll insist that everyone is out to get them. they may even provoke others on purpose, so they can evoke a negative reaction that will reinforce their notion that everyone is mean to them. They may also struggle to accept personal responsibility for their behavior. Rather than acknowledge the role they played in a squabble, for example, they’ll likely blame everyone else and insist there was nothing they could do about it. Exaggerating Misfortune A child who sees themselves as a victim will likely use words like "always" and "never" when describing their circumstances. You’ll likely hear things like, “I never get to do anything fun,” or, “The other kids are always mean to me.” This type of all-or-nothing thinking means that a child will struggle to recognize exceptions to the rule. Even when someone points out evidence to the contrary, a child with a victim mentality is likely to insist that their perception is accurate. Helping a Child With a Victim Mentality While all kids likely think they're a victim of a cruel world sometimes, for some kids, a victim mentality becomes pervasive. And without help from an adult, they may carry their "poor me" attitude into adulthood. A few small changes to the way you respond may successfully curb your child's victim mentality. Respond in a supportive manner, but make it clear that striking out in the baseball game or failing a math test doesn't mean they're a victim. If your child’s negative view of the world interferes with their daily life—school, friendships, and other activities—seek professional help. A victim mentality can also be a sign of a mental health problem, like depression or anxiety. Identify Warning Signs of Serious Behavior Problems Was this page helpful? Thanks for your feedback! Get diet and wellness tips to help your kids stay healthy and happy. Sign Up You're in! Thank you, {{form.email}}, for signing up. There was an error. Please try again. What are your concerns? Other Inaccurate Hard to Understand Submit Article Sources Verywell Family uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy. Goens GA. It's Not My Fault: Victim Mentality and Becoming Response-able. Rowman & Littlefield Publishers. 2017. Cole DA, Maxwell MA, Dukewich TL, Yosick R. Targeted peer victimization and the construction of positive and negative self-cognitions: connections to depressive symptoms in children. J Clin Child Adolesc Psychol. 2010;(39)3:421-35. doi:10.1080/15374411003691776 Additional Reading Kets de Vries M. Are You a Victim of the Victim Syndrome? Organizational Dynamics. 2014;43(2). Morin A. 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Dont Do. New York, NY: William Morrow & Co; 2017.