Helping Your Child Make New Friends

Boys (8 - 10 years) playing soccer
Uwe Krejci/Digital Vision/Getty Images

By kindergarten and grade-school, children are socializing more with each other, are developing preferences, and are increasingly picking friends of their own.

But while you may have less of a say in who your grade-schooler plays with than you did when she was younger, you can still help guide her toward developing healthy and happy friendships. Here are some tips on how you can help your child make new friends.

Be a Good Role Model

Show her how much you value your friends, and what you give and get from each other. Play games with your child that emphasize sharing, patience and other important skills for making friends.

Encourage but Don’t Push

If your child is shy, especially in new situations, give him some time to socialize at his pace.

Get Them Into a Sport or Activity

Doing things outside of school—like playing soccer or taking a pottery class—is another great opportunity for your child to make friends. Ask her which children he might like to play with and encourage her to invite them over for a playdate.

Coax Them Into New Relationships

Having a best friend is great, but if he only wants to play with one person all the time, try to broaden his horizons. Explain to him that while it’s nice to have a best friend, that doesn’t mean he can’t also hang out with other kids, too.

Set Up Time With Kids of the Other Genders

It might be inevitable that around the time your child hits first grade, they no longer want to play with kids of another gender. But being friends with a child of the opposite or other gender can help your child stay well-rounded. Yes, many boys still generally like to play lightsaber fights and lots of girls like to line up stuffed animals for tea, but it’s good to encourage them to do both with each other.

Balance Friend Time With Alone Time

Watch your child’s moods and don’t overfill her social calendar. Your child might get cranky if they doesn’t have some quiet time just to be by themselves. They might love horsing around with pals and count on regular playdates with favorite friends. But they also need some time to sit by themselves and draw or set up Lego Star Wars figures in complicated action scenes all over the house.

Respect Their Style

You may be a social butterfly who needs people around constantly to feel energized but your child may crave less busy or intense social encounters.

If your child does better in one-on-one settings or likes be alone occasionally, give them what they need.

Watch Them Interact With Other Kids

You can learn a lot about your child by observing them as they socialize with peers. This can be particularly helpful if your young child seems to be having trouble making friends. Watch their behavior—are they bossy? Aggressive? Do they have trouble sharing, or have a meltdown when a playmate beats them at a game? If so, aim to work on some positive skills for building friendships.

What to Do About a Troublesome Playmate

All kid friendships can have their ups and downs. And in fact, handling conflict with a peer is a valuable skill for your child to learn. But while occasional skirmishes over things like who gets the blue marker next are normal, if a playmate is consistently being hurtful—physically or emotionally—it’s time for you to step in.

Tell your child to discuss their feelings with the friend. Most grade-schoolers will be able to have a conversation about feelings. Learning to express their emotions is a valuable skill. Whether their friend apologizes or not, your child will have had their say. Teach them to walk away, especially if their friend is being hurtful physically.

Create some distance. If a friend continues to behave badly, try to set up playdates with other kids. Move your child into other activities, and if their hurtful friend is in the same class, talk to the teacher about seating them away from each other.

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