For Grandparents 6 Factors of Grandparent-Grandchild Closeness By Susan Adcox Susan Adcox is a writer covering grandparenting and author of Stories From My Grandparent: An Heirloom Journal for Your Grandchild. Learn about our editorial process Susan Adcox Medically reviewed by Medically reviewed by Carly Snyder, MD on July 17, 2020 facebook twitter linkedin Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments. Learn about our Review Board Carly Snyder, MD on July 17, 2020 Print Tom Merton / Getty Images Have you ever wondered how some grandparents manage to have close relationships with their grandchildren and others do not? It's not a mystery. Research has uncovered the secrets, but they are still unknown to many grandparents. Merril Silverstein and Vern L. Bengtson, among others, have studied the concept that they call "intergenerational solidarity" and have identified six factors that influence this "solidarity." While some of these factors are beyond our control, others are not. Fostering a Grandparent-Grandchild Relationship This information is unlikely to help grandparents who have lost contact with their grandchildren, or those who have deep-seated family conflicts that may require therapy to resolve. But for the rest of us, this information could be vital. Physical Proximity Not surprisingly, geographic closeness is one of the strongest predictors of a close relationship between grandparents and grandchildren. This factor may be out of the control of some grandparents, although some have demonstrated a willingness to move to be close to their grandchildren. Other factors, such as the health and financial status of the grandparents can be factors if they limit travel. Geographical distance isn't terribly important for grandparents who are fit, healthy, and financially able to afford the cost of frequent trips to see grandchildren. Although grandparents agree that there is no substitute for face-to-face interaction, technology has made it easier to build a relationship with grandchildren across the miles. Many grandparents visit with their grandchildren daily via FaceTime, Skype, or other video chat platform. Older grandchildren will appreciate loving text messages, as long as they are not too frequent. Facebook and other social networking sites are also good for staying in touch with tweens, teens, and young adult grandchildren. The bottom line is that loving grandparents will find a way to bridge the distance. Frequency of Contact Grandparents who stay in frequent contact with their grandchildren have closer relationships, but physical distance isn't the only obstacle to contact. Parental divorce commonly has a drastic effect on contact between grandchildren and grandparents. Often contact increases between the custodial parent and his or her parents, and contact with grandchildren increases, too. However, the parents of the non-custodial parent frequently find their contact with grandchildren greatly reduced. Since women still receive custody more frequently than men, most of the time maternal grandparents have an enhanced relationship with their grandchildren after divorce, while paternal grandparents have a reduced role. Of course, more fathers are winning custody, and joint custody is on the rise. Perhaps in the future divorce will not affect the grandparent-grandchild relationship as radically as it often does today. Why Maternal Grandparents Tend to Be Closer to Grandkids Than Paternal Grandparents' Role Within the Family When grandparents provide child care for grandchildren or become actual or surrogate parents to their grandchildren, they have a greater than average opportunity to bond. Many grandparents who fulfill these roles, however, wish that they could be "regular" grandparents rather than having to fill parental shoes. Also, research shows that it is the regular presence of grandparents that results in closeness rather than the functions that they perform. Whether you are a grandparent who has taken charge of your grandchildren or a "cool" grandparent who mainly plays with them, you can be close to your grandchildren. The Concept of Normalcy Families that expect strong relationships between the generations are more likely to have them. That's because family members are taught from an early age that family members share obligations. Those obligations may include caregiving for children and for the elderly, financial assistance and general sharing of tasks. And the assistance flows in both directions — from young to old, from old to young. Families that have this type of culture are more likely to demonstrate strong grandparent-grandchild bonds than families in which individuality and independence top the list of values. Such families also adopt practices that keep extended families close. Emotional Bonding Although grandparents and grandchildren often report mutual closeness, grandparents may report a greater degree of closeness than the younger generation. That's just natural. When families work as they should, children are closest to their parents and siblings. Grandparents usually occupy their second circle or second tier of emotional proximity. As children grow, their circles enlarge, and their peers become vitally important to them. Grandparents may be further displaced. Grandparents, on the other hand, often live in a world of shrinking circles, as their peers and older relatives die, move away or suffer from serious health issues. Their children and grandchildren may come to occupy a larger space in their lives. What is important, however, is that grandparents who develop establish early emotional bonds with grandchildren will find that those bonds last. Such bonds usually survive the passage of years and the many changes that both generations go through. Research also shows that the middle generation is of vital importance in determining closeness. When grandparents and their adult children are close, closeness with grandchildren comes naturally and easily. Reaching a Consensus on Values Grandchildren often get their early values from parents and grandparents. As they mature, however, they are more likely to grow their own set of values. Families are closest when they share values, but few families will ever be in total agreement. Researchers say a generation gap sometimes develops when younger generations find older generations lacking in social tolerance and even prone to hypocrisy. Grandparents should not abandon their values and standards, but a willingness to listen to the younger generation can go a long way. And grandparents should be sure that they practice what they preach. Summing Up Grandparent-Grandchild Relationships Although these six factors have an influence on grandparent-grandchild closeness, the attitude of grandparents is the most important factor. Research shows that love for grandparents isn't built into the grandparent-grandchild relationship. In other words, grandchildren don't automatically value their grandparents. Instead, they learn to value their individual grandparents and the way they occupy that role. Detached or uninvolved grandparents are unlikely to find a place of honor in the family circle. On the other hand, grandparents who thrive on creating family drama and stirring up conflict are unlikely to be valued family members either. All in all, it is the grandparent who is determined to build a strong and lasting relationship with grandchildren who is most likely to succeed. Was this page helpful? Thanks for your feedback! Get expert tips to help your kids stay healthy and happy. Sign Up You're in! Thank you, {{form.email}}, for signing up. There was an error. Please try again. What are your concerns? Other Inaccurate Hard to Understand Submit Article Sources Verywell Family uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy. Bengtson VL, Oyama PS. Intergenerational solidarity and conflict. InIntergenerational solidarity. 2010;35-52. Palgrave Macmillan, New York. doi:10.1057/9780230115484_3 Dunifon, R., & Bajracharya, A. (2012). The Role of Grandparents in the Lives of Youth. Journal of family issues. 2012;33(9):1168–1194. doi:10.1177/0192513X12444271 Moffatt K, David J, Baecker RM. Connecting grandparents and grandchildren. InConnecting Families 2013;173-193. Springer, London. doi:10.1007/978-1-4471-4192-1_10 Attar-Schwartz S, Fuller-Thomson E. Adolescents' closeness to paternal grandmothers in the face of parents' divorce. Children and Youth Services Review. 2017 Jun 1;77:118-26. doi:10.1016/j.childyouth.2017.04.008 Doyle M, O’Dywer C, Timonen V. “How Can You Just Cut Off a Whole Side of the Family and Say Move On?” The Reshaping of Paternal Grandparent‐Grandchild Relationships Following Divorce or Separation in the Middle Generation. Family Relations. 2010 Dec;59(5):587-98. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3729.2010.00625.x Xu L, Silverstein M, Chi I. Emotional closeness between grandparents and grandchildren in rural China: The mediating role of the middle generation. Journal of Intergenerational Relationships. 2014 Jul 3;12(3):226-40. doi:10.1080/15350770.2014.929936 Hakoyama M, MaloneBeach EE. Predictors of grandparent–grandchild closeness: An ecological perspective. Journal of Intergenerational Relationships. 2013 Jan 1;11(1):32-49. doi:10.1080/15350770.2013.753834 Blundon A. The Role of Grandparents. Rural Transformation and Newfoundland and Labrador Diaspora. Transgressions (Cultural Studies and Education). 2013 (pp. 243-250). SensePublishers, Rotterdam. doi:10.1007/978-94-6209-302-7_21 Monserud MA. Continuity and Change in Grandchildren's Closeness to Grandparents: Consequences of Changing Intergenerational Ties. Marriage Fam Rev. 2010;46(5):366–388. doi:10.1080/01494929.2010.528320 Hlebovy S, Gitimu Waithaka A, Gitimu P. Grandparent-Adult Grandchild Relationships: Perspective of Attachment among College Students. International Journal of Social Science and Humanities Research. 2016 Jan-Mar;1(4):26-34. Janmaat, J. G., & Keating, A. Are today’s youth more tolerant? Trends in tolerance among young people in Britain. Ethnicities. 2019 Feb;19(1):44–65. doi:10.1177/1468796817723682 Mansson DH, Myers SA, Turner LH. Relational maintenance behaviors in the grandchild–grandparent relationship. Communication Research Reports. 2010 Feb 9;27(1):68-79. doi:10.1080/08824090903526521 Timonen V, Arber S. Introduction: A new look at grandparenting. Contemporary Grandparenting: Changing Family Relationships in Global Contexts. Policy Press, Bristol, UK. 2012:1-27.